Dear Mary-anne: How can I help my niece and nephew through their parents' divorce?

QUESTION:  

My sister and her husband decided to finalise a divorce last year, after some years of struggling with their relationship.

So far, it seems that they have communicated reasonably clearly with each other and with their two children, who are 8 and 10, about the divorce and the new arrangements it involves. The children have moved house and changed school since the divorce. They have both talked to me a bit, about their situation. They seem to have responded very differently from each other. My nephew is more angry and aggressive and slams the door, or goes off in a huff. He can be rude with his language and loud. Apparently he can be quite unsettled at school. My niece seems to be quieter and more withdrawn than usual and I sometimes worry that she is quite isolated. She is also showing this behaviour at school.

I'm wondering how I can help them and if there is any community support for them, as they work through the changes they are facing.

ANSWER:  

You can never underestimate the influence that you, as a caring adult, can have on these children as you show them love and support in this difficult time. The fact that you've trained your eyes on them to watch how they're coping will hopefully pay off in years to come. I agree these children have had a huge amount to deal with, considering they've changed houses and schools on top of dealing with their parent's divorce.

You specifically asked me about community support for these children and I think that's a really good question. In researching your query, I heard there was something out there that might help. It's a programme called Seasons for Growth, which supports 6-18 year olds who are facing grief, loss or significant change in their lives and families. I see that Seasons for Growth is an internationally available programme and there are centres offering programmes all over New Zealand.

One particular aspect I like, and I'm quoting directly from the website, says: "It is based on the belief that change, loss and grief are normal and valuable parts of life". The programme examines the impact of changes, such as death, separation, divorce, natural disaster etc. Seasons for Growth uses the images of the four seasons to help people understand that life is always changing, that one follows the other and that there are certain things that we can do to accept and deal with the "seasons" in our life. I like the idea that children meet in small groups of similar ages. They meet for nine sessions and are facilitated by trained and police-vetted volunteers, known as "Companions".

I have spoken to a couple of people whose children have been part of the programme (one was several years ago) and they said it was immensely helpful. Those children saw other children in difficult situations and they became more accepting. I think this programme would complement the help you are giving your niece and nephew and it could be worth investigating.