Dear Mary-anne: I'm concerned about how my grandson is being spoken to.

QUESTION:

My placid grandson is turning 5 years old in a few weeks; among several shortcomings with his upbringing is the way his mum speaks to him (and my son – her husband). The other day as I was about to take him out for a ride with me he ran towards his mother after bumping his head crying, as he was wearing socks only on his feet she berated him saying "don't be such a d..k" – it must hurt, I know it does listening to this.

I want to admonish her for this yet fear I'll lose it (raise other "stuff") and at the heart of it all don't want to risk being banned from seeing him.

He has a new sister, 6 months old, is going to be home-schooled and socialises just with his mother's friends' children.

He's allowed to make decisions way beyond his capacity, is being encouraged too soon go rifle hunting with her stepfather... and so it goes on.

In summertime I buy quality sunblock for him, but she refuses to use it.

ANSWER:

I've changed some of your letter as you requested that I disguise your identity but essentially, yours is an age-old problem between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

Let's tick some of the stresses your daughter-in-law might be facing. She has a busy 5-year-old and a 6-month-old baby. She is probably sleep-deprived. She'll definitely be aware that her parenting is under scrutiny. She will not want to lose your input as most young mothers are aware of the value of grandparents, but she will bristle at being told how to do her job.

Sometimes when we're under stress, we all resort to the patterns of behaviour we know – we parent the way we were parented. Perhaps your daughter-in-law was berated with harsh words as a child.

As grandparents, it's easy to exaggerate the patience and skills we employed as young parents. We forget how exasperated we were and allow time to change the reality of what really happened.

It's hard work having children and we all slip up and did slip up as parents.

Instead of looking for problems, let your daughter-in-law feel your support. You need to love this young lady who is raising your grandchildren. Try not to find any fault with her and you certainly don't want to admonish her. Most especially, you don't want to drag up other "stuff" in a shout down.

If you enjoy being with your grandchildren then preserve this at all cost. Offer support and encouragement to your daughter-in-law and son, and do what you can to help, then you may find they ask for your opinion or advice.

It's hard to comment on the 5-year-old going hunting because there's not enough information, but this decision is ultimately your son- and daughter-in-law's to make.

The sunscreen rejection must feel disappointing, but if you offer complete support for a while then anything you offer may be more readily accepted.

All the rules have changed since your son was 5. No one really cares how it was back then so get on and accept this situation. Some people would give anything to be in your shoes with grandchildren in their lives.