Dear Mary-anne: My son is being teased into quitting music.

QUESTION:

I have three sons and they all learn two musical instruments each. We've spent a fortune on paying music teachers and exam fees and now the eldest, who's just turned 15, wants to quit. He says none of his friends learn music and other guys in his year group call him names. He's told his brother to quit too before he gets teased. He's already pulled out of the school orchestra. We moved here from Holland three years ago and I feel this shaming of kids learning music is an aspect of New Zealand culture. A very disappointing one. Any ideas on how I can keep them playing?

ANSWER:

You could resort to the tricks I rolled out to keep music lessons going: coercion, threats, pleading, bribery, but the reality lies in the old proverb; you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. If your son has decided it's over, then sadly, it probably is over. I had one son after another quit music lessons at various stages of their schooling and I was saddened too. The benefit of age and experience means that as parents, we can see a bit of name-calling is nothing compared to the years of enjoyment they'd have as adult musicians.

Because I've agonised over this very question; both as a parent and as a music teacher, I do have a few suggestions. The music experience you've given your boys is not wasted. Try not to add up the cost and see it as a loss, but instead an investment in their general education. You've given them an overall knowledge of music and theory, and an appreciation of music as a consequence. You can wrestle a stay of execution by saying, "you can't quit music, but you can switch instruments", however the axe usually still drops. (A possible exception to this would be if your son were to take up the guitar or bass guitar – these don't seem to inspire teasing. I'm not going to recommend the drums.)

If he chooses no instrument at all, tell him you respect his decision, but could he please not influence the others. It's a shame to have all your boys fold just because one wants out.

You're right that our New Zealand culture is not commiserate with encouraging boys in particular to pursue creative activities. This is very unfortunate. Many young men regret quitting music and come back later in their lives. But it's harder, then. Adult students are often slower to grasp the concepts, they have a million reasons why they're too busy to practice or attend lessons and they can give up quickly.

Recently, one of my older sons was home and got his trombone out again. He attempted an old favourite song but soon put it away in frustration. He had the gall to ask, "Why'd you even let me quit?" I could've wrapped the trombone around his throat! Why indeed?