Dear Mary-anne: My 14-year-old daughter is going to the doctor alone

QUESTION: 

I found out recently that my daughter was not at her after-school football practice as she said. I was concerned about where she'd gone for that 90 min period and she eventually admitted she'd had a doctor's appointment. The receptionist told me this was true but they wouldn't say what she was there for.

This child is my youngest of four and we've had a tougher relationship than I've had with the others. She's been very quiet lately and I want to help her but she won't let me in. I've recently split up with her father and she's angry at us both, but with me especially, even though she knew our breakup was coming.

ANSWER: 

It's clear your daughter wanted you to assume she was at football practice so she didn't have to discuss her doctor's appointment. Whatever is going on, she knew you'd want to question her and she doesn't want to talk. It's unnerving having a secretive child after three more open children but you have to work with her personality and try not to compare. You may be right, that this is about your breakup, (in which case it's understandable she doesn't want to speak in front of you), but it may be something completely different, and you'll have to deal with not knowing, at least for now.

Confidentiality and trust are at the heart of a doctor-patient relationship. The doctor, (and receptionist) cannot break that trust. There's no right age for a person to go to the doctor alone. Some young people in their twenties are happy to sit with a parent and discuss their health and worries, while others, as in the case of your daughter, are ready and wanting to have a private consultation as young as 12, 13, or 14.

No matter how shut-out you feel, you should be relieved that your daughter is showing sufficient maturity and initiative to make herself a doctor's appointment. If she has a problem, then the best thing she can do is seek help from someone – and who better than her primary health provider.

It seems to me that the two of you need an adult to almost-adult chat where you agree to respect each other's views. You would like to know where your daughter is, if she's not at training, and it's only fair she lets you know this information. Commend her on her maturity for seeking help with whatever it is that's worrying her, then tell her you're available to chat anytime she wants – that you're always there for her. Giving her room to breathe may mean she'll come to you eventually. But if you take this matter as a personal slight then you'll possibly drive her further away.