Dear Mary-anne: We learned our son is gay from his ex boyfriend

QUESTION:

My husband received an email from our son's friend telling him that our son had been his boyfriend for six years and had cheated on him. I too received a text from this young man telling me our son was gay. My question is how do I approach our son about this?

I hate it that someone else had to tell us he is gay. We are very supportive and open minded people and will love our son no matter what. I want to approach him but I don't want to do it in a way that will embarrass him or ruin his holidays. What's the right way to go about this without making him feel awkward? I also don't want to just assume he's gay based on these messages. 

ANSWER:

There's one important issue at stake here and that's the relationship you and your husband have with your son. If you keep that as your number one priority in this situation then you should all come out of this with your family intact.

I think the only way through this labyrinth is to present the information as honestly and as kindly as you can to your son. Explain that you've heard something second-hand, that it may be true or it may be malicious, but you feel compelled to give him the chance to hear the information.

Does it really matter if someone else has told you that your son is gay? Does it matter that he might feel embarrassed? If it's true that he's been hiding this secret from you for six years then he'll probably be relieved to have it in the open.

But then you say you don't want to make assumptions. So, don't make assumptions. Just present the information with an open mind and reassure him as you said in your letter, that you are supportive, open minded and love him no matter what.

If your son denies the past boyfriend, then you have your answer for now. It may turn out that there's some truth in the friend's email and text, and that your son needs more time before he can admit it. At least you've opened the door to the discussion.

Your being open minded and supportive is great, but ultimately it's your son's situation and he may not be ready to talk just yet.