Dear Mary-anne: Help, my daughter is out of control
QUESTION:
I have a teenage daughter, she is 17. Over the past few months she has started smoking pot with her friends and wags school with them any chance she gets.
I have to stop her friends from coming over but when I have work they seem to be at my house. And her school is ready to kick her out, home life is no better as she comes and goes when she wants.
Sometimes she asks to go out and when I say no she still goes. She is out every weekend with her friends. I ring her no answer, I text no reply. I don't see her till Sunday sometimes and she thinks it's no big deal.
I have come to the point I don't know how much I can take. I want to kick her out but she has nowhere to go. She has no respect for me or my house or anybody else. Please help.
ANSWER:
This is a nightmare for you and your letter shows how desperate you are. On the scale of teenage behaviours your daughter's behaviour has tipped into the dangerous end. As you say, she has no respect for you at all.
Your daughter's awful conduct can make you feel shameful — as if you've failed. Put such feelings aside and start to ask for help wherever you can; teachers, school counsellor, doctor or ring the Parenting or Toughlove helplines; the numbers are listed below. Let your daughter see your frantic efforts to save and control her.
Sometimes when things are this dire, it's easy to overlook the simplest course of action. Your daughter needs to hear from you, in a chat, or by letter, if she won't listen to you, that it doesn't need to be this way. Her self-esteem must be very low and be aware that these out of control behaviours can signal mental health issues. But the naughtiest children also need to hear they are loved, that they are precious and that you're always there for her. Tell her that you will be doing everything in your power to help her get back on track. She also needs to know that if she breaks the law, she will not be dealt with as a child in the courts.
Ask her to let you in. And ask her how you can help her. Sometimes teenagers get trapped. They don't want to be with a certain group or acting in a certain way but they think they've shut doors behind them. Tell your daughter that there are ways to start afresh and that you and the help you rustle up will guide her.
Lastly, but most importantly, my concern is for you. You sound completely alone in this. Where is your help and support? Do you have people you can call on? You need to get proactive in reaching out to the organisations and professionals who can help. I really hope this resolves for you soon.
* Toughlove: 0800 868445
* Parenting helpline: 0800 568856