Dear Mary-anne: My disorganised teen is strung out

QUESTION: 

My 17-year-old son struggles greatly with personal organisation and time management.

He regularly rushes around at the last minute to get ready or find things, and he has difficulty organising his time for school work. This is often left to the last minute, or not enough time is allocated to get the required information recorded.

I'm sure his life would be easier if organisation became part of it, but I don't know how to make this happen.

It is not a new problem, but his life is becoming more stressful and difficult because of it.

I am hoping you can provide some ideas to help him take on board changes to move in a more organised direction.

ANSWER:

Being constantly disorganised is a ghastly way to live, and I agree with you, it's also stressful for the people who share the disorganised person's life.

The incessant chasing and recriminations when things implode, eventually wear everyone down.

Your son will probably be leaving home soon, so sorting this is timely. Bear in mind, you're trying to create new habits and that takes perseverance and time.

Start by calling a family meeting and explain that his disorganisation impacts on all of you and that you don't want to live with his chaos any longer.

Ask him to bring a calendar along and say you're prepared to help him only if he'd like to be helped. If your son doesn't acknowledge he has a problem then you'll be wasting your time.

Begin with an overview of the year's big events; exams, sport fixtures and social events. Does he need transport help, money, special kit?

Explain that you won't be bailing him out if he doesn't give you sufficient notice; that you all have your own busy lives and that there are consequences for all of us if we don't think ahead.

Once the big events are scheduled, move closer in and help plan study timetables and establish good study habits.

I remember the quandary of whether a contract with the student was a good idea or not. Rewarding good results with money for example, flies in the face of the student's own satisfaction and pride in achieving for the sake of achieving.

But these can feel like desperate times, so you might need to contract and reward to get things rolling. Qualify the arrangement by saying it's a one-off perhaps?

Another thing you can do to help is encourage your son to use organisational apps on his phone and computer. There're plenty of apps to choose from, including Remember the Milk, which is an app a student I know, uses.

If your son does a bit of research he might find one that suits him but there's also a risk that app searching is just more procrastination.

Good luck on all this; there's a fine line between micro-management and assistance! I hope you can find the balance.