Dear Mary-anne: I don't like my son's new friend

QUESTION: 

My son is 17 and has always been a fantastic kid. We're a close family with strong Christian values and I've welcomed my son's friends into our home, until this year. He has made new friends and I'm not sure why he likes this new crowd. There's one boy in particular who I'm not happy about.

My son regularly stays the night at this boy's home, which makes me uncomfortable because I don't like the family of this friend. His mother is un-Christian, unfriendly and uncommunicative with me. She will take forever to answer my text messages, which I think is rude. I've told her that I am absolutely not OK with my son going to parties where there is alcohol or no parents and she says she agrees. But I do not trust this woman. I have told my son that he is not staying at this boy's house anymore and his friend can stay at our house instead. He says he is too old for these rules. I think he wants to stay at a house where there are no rules. This is his last year of high school and I don't want him to mess everything up at this important stage.

ANSWER: 

I feel your concern and misery and I'm sure you are right about your son's preference for the house with no rules.He's programmed at 17 to experience as much as possible and it sounds as if this house and these friends offer that chance. As this is his last year at school it could also be his last year at home and yes, there's every chance he could mess things up.

To become the man he's going to be, he needs to get out the door. But if you lay down ultimatums or pester him you effectively slam it after him.

The mother of your son's friend said she is not ok with unsupervised parties and alcohol. You have to trust her. She will love her son just as much as you love yours.I'm sure she has rules; they will be different to yours and this is what your son is seeking. Difference.

I have a friend who is terrified of flying. She sits quietly though, clutching the inflight magazine as though she's reading and recites her mantra: Let the pilots do their job.

Like a nervous flyer, you have to sit back now and read your magazine. You've done your best, brought your son up with your Christian values and it seems he's lived obligingly by them for 17 years. He needs to test the controls; see how the plane really flies and it could get bumpy for both of you.Tell your son you love and trust him and that he can ring or come home any time, day or night.

To continue with the flying analogy, I suggest you put your phone into flight mode. The friend's mother is not your friend. She doesn't have to be answering your texts and certainly not immediately.