Dear Mary-anne: My teen is jealous of her sister

QUESTION:

I have two teen daughters – 14 and almost 16. My youngest is turning into an angry person and thinks her sister is my favourite, which she isn't. I love both my children unconditionally, though my eldest is easier.

My 16-year-old is much more like me. We're both horse-mad, both conscientious "do-ers" who put others before ourselves. We look alike and take pride in our appearance and fitness. My youngest is a strong character, but the opposite to her sister and me. 

To this day I hold the most ribbons won by any show jumper in our pony club. So as you can imagine I find it hard to relate to a girl who wants to lie in bed eating junk food and listening to terrible music. These days every conversation turns into a yelling match. I think it comes down to my daughter's jealousy of her sister's achievements and attractiveness and her own low self-esteem. I would like her to feel better about herself but how can I get her to stop fighting with me and take more pride in her own unique talents?

ANSWER:

I do believe you love both girls unconditionally but you are clearly prouder of your eldest daughter. It might be that your fourteen-year-old, construes this extra pride for her big sister as extra love.

You say your 16-year-old is just like you and I imagine you make a formidable team with your confidence and satisfaction. It's unusual to get such a soul mate. But our children are not always little versions of ourselves. Quite often they seem alien, and it's easy to wonder where they came from. We can love them unconditionally but still dislike their behaviour.

Perhaps your younger daughter, who is clearly cut from a different cloth, doubts she can ever measure up and she's not prepared to try. She must feel vulnerable and rather than risk failure, she's retreated and given up trying to meet your high standards.

It's concerning that every conversation turns into a yelling match. Your exchanges might reflect your disappointment. Perhaps you are too accusatory but either way, you are the adult; don't let these fights escalate.

You need to get back to basics and build up her sense of self-worth. Meet her on her terms or find something you both have in common. There will be a point of connection and it's imperative that you find it and show your approval. Perhaps you could put your ribbons out of sight for a while and join her under a blanket with some hot chips?