Dear Mary-anne. My cousin is pressuring us to buy her an expensive engagement gift
QUESTION:
We’re a big family and lots of us are in our early thirties with young kids of our own. One of the younger cousins has just gotten engaged and she’s emailed us all with ‘engaged’ in the subject bar and the body of the email has a list of websites. When you click on the links there’s suggestions for gifts, like cool kitchen stuff she’d like and some beer brewing links which is her fiancé’s hobby and some reasonably expensive outdoor things. We’re all fairly cash-strapped and we don’t normally buy engagement presents. Any goodwill I’d felt about getting her a small gift is now gone.
ANSWER:
Engagement gifts are not obligatory. If it’s someone special you might give something small to acknowledge the event but an email with gift links does seem grasping and totally out of proportion. There’s nothing like the hint of personal gain to make some people lose perspective on decency and it seems as if this girl has definitely lost perspective or else she’s very entitled. Gift registries for weddings are de rigueur these days but I wouldn’t have thought they extended to engagement gifts. I hate to imagine what her expectations will be for her wedding — or it may be that with such a big family you won’t be getting wedding invites and this email is a chance to gather in the loot first!
In spite of the audacity of the abrupt email, this girl is your cousin and preserving family relations should be your priority. These things can blow out especially when she realises everyone is aghast behind her back. You could forward the email onto her parents and ask what they think might be the best gift. That way they can deal with their own daughter and her email as they see fit.
If that’s not appropriate then you could ignore the email and acknowledge her happy occasion exactly as you would’ve done anyway with a small gift or card. That is the path that will cause the least trouble.
Or you can put in together with some of her other cousins and buy her something that benefits someone else in the world. A goat or some chickens for a couple somewhere who may not be so lucky and grabbing.
https://www.tearfund.org.nz/Donate/Gift-for-Life.aspx