Dear Mary-anne. What do you do when none of your friends have babies?

QUESTION:

I get sick of my friends saying ‘just get a babysitter.’ I’m alone with a two-month-old and none of my mates have babies and I can’t afford a sitter, I can hardly afford anything but I don’t want all my friends to forget about me. They do come around and sit in my carport and then someone messages and they all go off and I can’t go. My mum works and my baby’s father’s long gone. Baby’s all good and stuff but I miss my old life.

 ANSWER:

There will have been excitement and promises made by your friends when they first found out you were pregnant and probably another wave of jubilance once the baby was born. But now the reality’s set in, and you’re literally left holding the baby. You can’t go off spontaneously anymore. The novelty will have worn off for your friends too, who won’t understand how emotionally and physically wrecked you feel. If you want to see these friends, you may have to change your expectations for socialising with them — think coffee dates or walks. Arrangements for a night out are dependent on money and/or support and if you don’t have much of either, then you have to decline for a while.

The baby’s your first priority now and although you’re a parent for life, this initial stage won’t last forever. If you start by considering your baby’s needs first, you’ll get through this time. The last thing you want is regrets, so make all your decisions based on the answer to this one question: Is this in my baby’s best interests?

Being a new mum is really tough — even for people with a partner and plenty of support. Your hormones will be creating havoc so seeing your old friends disappear might seem more devastating than it actually is. You don’t need to lose those old friendships forever, but right now you need other women in the same situation as you. It’s easier to find your tribe these days with social media. Every town, no matter how small, has groups that connect you up with other young mothers or support groups that offer exercise, music for babies, picnics, coffee meet ups etc. I also think some of the unflinching blogs put up by young mothers can be helpful and so too, the chat forums where you can speak to other mothers all around the world whenever you feel the need.

Your baby is a gift. None of this temporary isolation and tiredness is the baby’s fault so try not to be angry or resentful towards your vulnerable bundle. Follow your gut about who you leave your baby with, if and when you do go out. One party isn’t worth it if your baby isn’t safe. Invest your time and effort into loving this baby now and you’ll never be sorry.