Dear Mary-anne. I'm letting my son's family share my house. Am I setting myself up for trouble?

Question:

I was a year into my four-year contract, in Canada, managing a start-up business when Covid-19 hit and I came home.

I’d left my house in the care of my son and his wife and their three children. The arrangement was, they’d move out when I got back, but they were to care for the house and live there rent-free in the meantime. But my son lost his job, so they’re still here in my house and he minds the kids at home, two not at school. My daughter-in-law has picked up extra work waitressing and cleaning.

I’m doing much of the housework, there’s not much room and I’m sharing a back room with the older children and the others have my big room with the baby. I’m able to work for my old company from home and my son is applying for jobs everywhere. When he gets something, I might be even busier minding children in my spare time.

I’m OK with stuff at the moment, but my friend who’s a lawyer, thinks I’m setting myself up for trouble, being taken advantage of and that my other son will be resentful. That son is doing alright and has no dependants. Should I be more concerned? It’s hard to do my company work in this small space. My friend thinks I’ll end up living in the back room forever.

Answer:

These are extraordinary times and most people are compromising or being compromised in their lives, in some way. I know of several situations where three generations are living together, pitching in with cooking, child-minding and expenses. When I read your situation, I put myself in your shoes and I knew, I would do exactly the same thing. This is a time for pulling together.

However, I think your friend is right to raise potential problems so you can address them before they blow-out. You don’t want conflict in your family.

There’re a few ways to pre-empt problems and the big one is communication. Don’t be afraid to have discussions – where you all get a chance to speak. Remind them that your “back bedroom with the children” is temporary and perhaps make plans to see progress if that’s important to you. Put a time- frame on it.

Why are you doing most of the housework? Is your son really pulling his weight? If you’re working from home and he’s unemployed, then he should be carrying the housework load. Don’t pander to his ego, he’s very fortunate to have your generous help.

Money and family don’t mix well. If you constantly say, “I’ll get this”, or “you put your wallet away”, you’re not doing any favours to either of your sons. The son who is managing just fine at the moment may not always be OK, or might feel peeved one day, and the son who is receiving the help might begin to take you for granted. The grocery bills should be shared.