Dear Mary-anne. My daughter is pregnant with her seventh child, I'm scared she wants more.

Question:

I’ve got three daughters (and that was plenty to manage) and two of those have two children each.

My other daughter is pregnant with her seventh child and her partner has one older child who is around at their house quite a bit. Every time my daughter has a baby, I think, surely this is the last, but then they have another one.

I really want to say something that lets her know seven is quite enough. They’re good parents and the children seem fine but they are missing out on experiences like skiing and movies, new clothes and even quality time with their own parents.

They are close to their cousins, in fact my other daughters pass on their used clothes and toys but it just seems crazy and chaotic to me. I’m actually scared she’ll have another.

Answer

 I don’t understand what you’re worrying about.

You have three daughters who seem to get along, share their lives with each other and produce grandchildren. That’s more than most people could hope for.

The fact that one daughter is choosing to have her seventh child does not seem to me, to be a problem and certainly not your problem. You should trust her – she hasn’t let you down so far. This daughter and her partner, are adults, making adult decisions, and you say they are good parents. What more could you want?

Being a grandparent is a privilege. Unless you’re actually raising the children yourself, it’s usually a supportive, pleasurable role, not the CEO position some people suppose. The daughter you’re talking about has two supportive sisters already, so you are not indispensable. She will know you want to say something; she’ll know by your look and your tone, that you feel seven is too many. But it’s not your business.

By having your silent, but obvious opinions, you’ll be quietly wrecking your relationship with her. She and her partner are the deciders of this family, how big it will be, how they’ll fund it and what values they’ll bring to it.

Rather than sniping or silently disapproving of a large family, Mary-anne suggests a grandmother should instead roll up her sleeves and enjoy the chaos.

Big families are a way of life. They’re messy, noisy, loving and fighting, they’re expensive and sometimes, compromised – and that’s just a few of the elements parents of multiple children buy into. It’s true that new toys and clothes, special holidays and some opportunities are not always possible. There’s much to be gained from being part of a big family.

Children learn to share and get along with others and their sibling fights and negotiations often help them in future dealings with people. They’re sometimes more resilient and they can be more independent. You’re right that there is less parent time to give each child, but there’s also more sibling time for the children to enjoy.

I suggest you roll up your sleeves and enjoy the chaos, because it will be chaotic.