Dear Mary-anne. I'm in my 70s, of sound mind, lonely and I think my children neglect me.

QUESTION: 

I’m lonely, with children who neglect me.

I’m in my 70s, reasonably fit and of “sound mind”. I’m writing because I live alone in the city with a grown daughter in a neighbouring suburb and a step-daughter just up the road. They scarcely visit me.

I know their lives are busy, but when they do call, it’s almost as if they’re visiting me out of duty. They’re always full of excuses as to why they have to leave in a hurry. Mostly, they don’t bring their children and I feel lonely and sad and I have to admit, bored.

I have love and energy to give, but no children to spoil. I’ve tried to make new friends, but it seems that everyone has a group they belong to, or a reason why they’re busy.

ANSWER: 

When you’re lonely and unhappy it can seem as if everyone else has a life full of purpose, family and friends. The attitude of your daughters must be hard and only you will know why they find visiting you a burden. They may be self-obsessed, or harbouring a grudge, or just incredibly busy. No doubt you’ve considered the reasons, but if there’s anything you need to address, now is the time.

Why are you waiting for their visits? Could you not take around a meal you’ve prepared or offer to help mind your grandchildren? Have you reached out to your daughters with unconditional love and support? If you have, and you just can’t make a connection, then you have to find your happiness somewhere else. Get on with life as if they’re not around so that a visit from them is a bonus.

You need to find a heart to your life, a reason to get up every day and remember your “family” doesn’t have to share your surname. Try to avoid sending out a “needy, lonely” vibe because people can be frightened off by that.

Your sound mind is a gift, and that old adage of “use it or lose it” is relevant to us all, at any age. So join groups that stimulate your mind and body – such as gardening, book clubs, walking and so on.

The best way to find your people is to give something. Do you have an activity or a talent you can share? Many studies have shown the correlation between volunteering and mental wellbeing. Even if you start by stuffing envelopes, helping to make morning teas for meetings, working at libraries or schools, you’ll gradually find like-minded people.

Nothing’s guaranteed, but once you’re busy and happy you may find your daughters are drawn back to you. If that’s the outcome, try not to let go of your new friends and life. Have it all.