Dear Mary-anne: My in-laws do not like me and my children.

QUESTION:

I was prompted to write to you when I saw your article "Dear Mary-anne: My husband is struggling to accept my daughter's Indian boyfriend". I'm sure there is much of this going around and I write to you anonymously.

My husband and I are both Indians, but from two different states. My in-laws won't accept me, or my kids. It causes a huge tension/barrier between my husband and I, as well as between my parents and me. My parents didn't accept us prior to our marriage but now they have come to the party and they all tell me to move on.

Move on how? My in-laws don't want anything to do with me. Why is the "daughter-in-law" and more so the Indian daughter-in-law the one who has to be OK with getting abused? It's like an Indian belief that you owe parents/parents-in-law because they have brought you into this world?

I'm told I am a "character", because I've had a past relationship. But my husband's brother also had a past relationship but my parents-in-law are OK with that. Why is the blame always put on girls?

I don't have support from anyone. If I talk about this situation to my husband, or other Indian family members, they are the favoured ones and they don't want to help. Why?

My parents-in-law call me a demon, and then carry on pretending I don't exist. They disrespect me, and play happy families with my husband. This situation creates a rift between my husband and me. He doesn't say anything because "I'm the wife".

ANSWER:

It must have taken some courage to write this letter and I admire you for this. How awful that you're living in isolation, with your husband and other family members all protecting their favoured status.

Your parents-in-law wield a lot of power. However, you do exist, you're not a demon, or a "character" because of a past relationship and you're not inferior because you come from a different state in India. You're the victim of bullies in a cultural situation that has endured for generations. You may not be able to change everything and you won't be able to change things quickly, but if you don't try, then this situation will wear you down until you eventually agree, you're worthless.

You sound like a rational, intelligent woman and your husband needs to stop hiding behind his out-dated parents. I can well imagine the pain you're under and the rift it's causing between you.

The idea that parents and parents-in-law are so controlling, and also of men being an adored special species may have been inevitable in your past life in India but you can expect better here. You have nothing to lose because you're already the family Cinderella. You may not want to pursue my suggestion, but here it is.

Start to chip away. Make friends inside, and outside your cultural group, get a job if possible, interact with other young mothers, (perhaps start a group with other Indian women who might have a similar story), be involved in your community or church. You don't need your family's approval and crumbs of kindness. Perhaps your strength will jolt your husband into the 21st century.

You're up against a deeply-ingrained, hierarchical system, so your changes have to be small but determined. Build your network, be unavailable sometimes, for family dinners and opportunities that you could be lambasted or ignored. Find small ways to fight back; keep talking to people and most of all, shine a light on your house, let people see how you're treated and perhaps your husband might be ashamed of what's lurking in the back corners.

Don't lose hope and when it's hard to be brave, remind yourself that the changes you make, will be the blueprint that your children live by and that's possibly the greatest thing you'll do for them.