Dear Mary-anne: My daughter won't let me babysit any more

QUESTION: 

I'm not quite sure how to deal with this problem. I was babysitting for my daughter who has two children of 7 and 9.

I was staying the night and sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor in her lounge. At 10pm I decide to check on her children before going to sleep. The passage light was on so there was a little light showing in both rooms. I turned their heaters off, checked both children, called their names lightly, they were asleep.

I was sleeping in my bra, a very long singlet, and top, and underwear. In the morning my daughter bailed me up and told that her 9-year-old son had said that I went into his room naked from the waist down. I said that it didn't happen. She said that he would not say that if it hadn't happened. She now is saying I have really upset him, and that I am not welcome back. How do I deal with this problem. She will not discuss it any further.

ANSWER: 

When I read this question, I have to assume that the 9-year-old saw your bare legs and mentioned the next morning that you had no pants on. This has been translated by an adult, to naked from the waist down – an adult expression, not something a 9-year-old would say.

You're not refuting bare legs, everything you've said about your night and your attire, makes sense. The problem, it would seem, is with your daughter's handling of the situation. She is choosing to believe the befuddled account of a 9-year-old, disturbed from his sleep, who has probably been at eye level with your bare legs and was alarmed.

Your daughter has given you no opportunity to speak and explain yourself. Those two phrases:  "I'm not welcome back" and "she will not discuss it any further" lack basic respect for you. Babysitting is not an obligatory duty once you have grown children. Perhaps your daughter could show more gratitude that you were available to help her, and just maybe, one of the children might offer you a bed next time, instead of a mattress on the lounge floor? (If there is to be a next time.)

We want children to speak up and say if they're unhappy about something. This boy has spoken up and you should have been given the right of reply. It was only the next morning that this question arose, so you could have demonstrated exactly what you were wearing. Your daughter isn't setting a very good example as this child will not learn how to solve problems in a rational way.

To try to restore good relations, you could write a note to reiterate your position. Your daughter may have cooled down but feel she's backed herself into a corner, so a letter may give her the opportunity to make peace. And as part of the possible discussion you could bring up your expectation of respect rightfully due to you.