Dear Mary-anne: Help, my heavy drinking in-laws are coming for Christmas

QUESTION: 

My husband's parents and his aunt and uncle all want to come to our place over the festive season.

They've organised accommodation nearby and I can't bear it already. It sounds harsh, but they're complete piss-heads. They're all newly retired and quite comfortable. They were big drinkers already but, these days, they start earlier. The Christmas period will be the perfect excuse for booze at breakfast time and it'll be just one bottle of wine after another – and all in front of our four children.

I've asked them not to use my eight-year-old as their barman, but they think it's funny to see him getting the wine and topping up their glasses and my son loves doing the refilling.

They get completely drunk, disgusting and dangerous and my husband's mother gets argumentative too. This is not my idea of the holiday season for my children. My husband agrees, but doesn't feel able to stop his family coming. 

ANSWER: 

Heavy drinkers often infuse the lead-up to the Christmas period with a sense of dread for their families.

In homes where there's already a problem, this festive green light to drink as much as possible must be a nightmare. The best way to reclaim your holiday season and address this issue is ideally a discussion – led by your husband, because they're his parents. 

I think you should still try and talk, even if it's when they arrive. Explain to this group that you love them as parents and want them as grandparents and extended whānau in your children's lives. That you're grateful they've made the effort to come and be together as a family during this time of the year. Then get to the heart of the matter: You don't want your children to have their festive season marred by fights and aggressive alcohol-related incidences. That your precious children are impressionable and will be subconsciously absorbing messages about alcohol, as they watch the family seniors drink. You're requesting a particular time be alcohol-free and that your young son is not to be used to pour drinks. You want this special time to be about children and memories, rather than alcohol. Close your discussion with a reminder that the family are welcome and loved.  

You won't be able to change or fix everything, but your warning will raise the level of consciousness around their behaviour and there may be an improvement. What you don't achieve this year can be addressed earlier next year. Stay tight as a couple and focus on all the positive things you have. You're building memories for your precious unit of six and hopefully the senior members of your family realise how lucky they are to be with you and have you as family in their lives.