Dear Mary-anne: My elderly mother is too controlling

QUESTION: 

I am aged 57, married with two teenage boys. From a young age my mum, who is now 77, has tried controlling my life to the extent that she told me not to get married or have children. I eventually did get married in my 30s and had children in my 40s.

She has been very supportive with the boys, but tries to influence all my decisions with her own opinions.

If I disagree I'm "stubborn", if I go ahead - eg get married - she didn't speak to me for 18 months. My dad passed 10 years ago.

I can never do anything right and never get any commendations for bringing up too happy balanced boys who are high achiever in sports, music and school. Either I don't feed them enough or they have too much screen time etc.

I'm usually easy going and tolerate her outrageous notions and opinions, but it all came to a head when she accused me of being an alcoholic as I have a glass of wine with dinner at night. I had a heated discussion with her and now she is not talking to me and cancelled coming down for a weekend.

How do I get over the problem of being guilty and constantly worrying about not doing as she says and suffering consequences of her wrath even now at my age? I can't cut her completely out of our lives.

PS. She doesn't like my husband either, which is another matter

ANSWER: 

We all live with habits in our relationships and it seems you and your mother have developed some destructive habits in dealing with each other. In a relationship where one person is so dominant, there is always a person who allows this controlling, domineering family member to succeed.

In your eyes, you've been a good daughter, trying to please your critical mother and in the process, you've encouraged this behaviour of hers.

It's hard to break these patterns or to know when the right time is to stop being the obedient "child".

Her dominance and critical behaviour may come from her own jealousies of seeing you happy and successful when she is clearly not.

You have a husband, in spite of her efforts to stop you, and two great sons who you are proud of. But her negative reactions to the life you have made have been fed by her seeing your need to please her, and seeing your dismay at her judgemental reactions.

You haven't moved from a parent-child relationship to an adult friendship with your mother. But by writing this letter you have shown that you have run out of tolerance.

My advice is for you to know within yourself that you want this bullying, critical, negative relationship to change.

Warn her of the impending change; write her a letter if you think she won't listen to you.

Perhaps use the example of the "alcoholic" incident to describe how you feel, rather than listing your version of a lifetime of hurts and disappointments.

Tell her this marks the end of your tolerance and if she wants to be part of your life, she will need to change.

It will take practise and some acting, as years of habits are hard to undo, but nothing will change unless you put in place some strong boundaries and stick to them.

As soon as you see any signs of improvement, let her know it is appreciated, but don't then let her away with any reappearance of her old behaviour.