Dear Mary-anne: I can't cope with my son-in-law's shouting

QUESTION:  

Whenever I visit my five grandchildren, I want to spend some quiet time with them, but my son-in-law is always shouting.

He doesn't listen when the children talk to him, so they shout too. He makes threats about them going to bed early, or putting them outside for a while and they ignore him because there's so much noise.

I only visit occasionally because I don't have my driver's licence and I really look forward to seeing these children. I've noticed the volume in their house is rising each time I go. I like this man, he's good and he means well, but he just shouts too much and they all shout back, all the time. What's can I say to reduce all that noise?

ANSWER: 

It must be a busy, noisy house if it's a family of seven. The noise level can be high in a house with just one child, so I imagine your grandchildren's house is raucous.

I think though, you're talking about more than noise and I know what you mean. It's a habit where everyone talks over, and louder than, the last person. We all know the scenario: the baby's crying, the toddler has taken a toy belonging to the five-year-old, the next one up has fallen over and one of the adults yells that everyone should pipe down and so it goes on.  ….. the noise escalates.  

My initial response to your question is – let it go. You're the grandparent, not the parent, and you're still a guest in the house. It's not worth criticising because parenting young children can be hard and young parents are acutely aware of being criticised.

There's an old teacher trick that I've seen used effectively. The teacher might stand in front of a noisy, chaotic classroom and say, "excuse me", quite softly. The children see the teacher standing and see she's saying something and there's often a drastic petering out of voices, until it's silent. So, you could try speaking under the noise. 

Another idea is to make a game of it. Take little gifts or rewards for the grandchild who is most gentle on your ears. If you manage it good naturedly – and your relationship allows it – then you could take something for your son-in-law too.

Every child needs to be heard, they have opinions and thoughts to voice. They won't like everyone shouting either, although they probably don't know any different now. I have come across a good book lately, Listen to Me by Dr Anna Martin. It talks about parents being authoritative – not authoritarian – and has advice for managing conflict without shouting.

I think a parenting book is a great gift for a young family and, if it's slipped in with something else at Christmas, it might look accidental, rather than deliberate.