Dear Mary-anne. My teen's self-obsessed behaviour is harming her little sister.

Question:

 I have two daughters who are 15 and 9.

My 15-year-old is self-obsessed and we’ve clashed a lot over the last year or two. She hardly does anything to help me and she’s not usually very nice to her little sister.

Recently, I left the two of them home alone when I had to take my mother to the doctor. I asked my eldest daughter to look after her sister and to get her some dinner, but she went off outside to talk to some boy on the street. The little one was hungry, made herself a pot of noodles and spilt the hot water all over her bare feet. She has significant burns to both feet and when she screamed to her sister for help, her sister didn’t hear her. She rang for an ambulance on her own. The older girl feels bad about what’s happened, but not as bad as I’d hope, or expect.

I’m having trouble coming to terms with what happened and her poor reaction. She only had one job to do, look after her sister, and she totally stuffed that up. Her sister will have scars for life, mentally and physically.

Answer:

It's clear from your letter that you’re very disappointed with your 15-year-old.

She certainly mucked up and it’s an awful thing to have happened in your family. It’s bad enough knowing your child’s been injured, without dealing with the fact that your other child enabled the accident.

However, the damage is done and you won’t gain anything by maintaining your anger at your 15-year-old. She’s still a child too and may need guidance in dealing with what happened. It’s possible she’s putting up a protective shell of indifference to hide her inadequacies at expressing her horror and regret. Perhaps she needs some help with empathy.

Children learn by example and not every quality comes naturally. You could say things like, "I know how gutted you must feel about your sister’s pain/scars/nightmares etc, do you want to talk about it?" This guides your 15-year-old to think and do the right thing.

Encourage the sisters to be together, as the younger one heals, watching movies or hanging out. Praise your eldest daughter every time she shows kindness, compassion and responsibility, especially towards her sister. You don’t want their relationship to be defined by this awful event.

Children are resilient and forgiving. They are also very astute when it comes to picking up vibes and moods, so you should let your bitterness go, as both girls will take their cues from you. You’ll never forget this and nor will your girls, but you have to lead the way in moving your family along.

It may be helpful to remember that being egocentric is part of a teenager’s normal development. It’s true that some teenagers are far more self-obsessed than others and, if you feel this is the case with your 15-year-old, then just keep believing in her and helping her in every way. We tend to become the adults we’re told we can be.