Dear Mary-anne: My family won't accept I'm gay.

QUESTION:

 I am the daughter of a mostly religious family. My grandparents are good old Bible thumpers. They attend church weekly and raised my mother and uncle under the same beliefs they uphold. One of those beliefs, however, is that being gay is wrong. And I so happen to be gay.

I love my family, but I can't keep listening to their near-constant homophobic comments. I've already told my mother and she banned me from telling anyone else then brushed it off as a phase and hasn't changed anything. What do I do? I can't keep living like this.

ANSWER:

You only get one life so you have to live the best and truest life you can. If you keep that premise at the forefront of your mind then you'll have a barometer to check your actions against. You've already made a good start by being honest with your mother and the fact that she said, "don't tell anyone else", rather than, "get out of my life", is a plus, albeit a small one.

I can well understand you love your family and don't want to lose them and I hope they won't want to lose you. They may never accept you being gay but learning to live in harmony and hopefully with respect is your best-case scenario. The less ties you cut now, the better – being ostracised from your family brings another whole layer of unhappiness.

Your letter doesn't say how old you are. If you're still at school and dependant then the best thing you can do is plan the future you want. You need people to talk to who will support you and I'd say the school counsellor is a good place to start.

If you're an adult, then find your community of friends and start to live however, and with whomever, you choose. Your mother has banned you from telling anyone else but that's not OK. She will be dealing with her own stuff, like the loss of her dreams for you and the conflict of her own up-bringing, but she has to find her way through this.

Tell the people you love and then try to agree that you all respect each other's opinions. You may need someone to mediate and set up family boundaries because homophobic comments are not acceptable from anyone. No matter what degree of religious zeal your family has, there should be no room in their belief for hate.