Dear Mary-anne: My bright son is dropping out of uni.

QUESTION:

My eldest son has just completed his first year at Otago University, he's passed his exams and he's into physio school. I feel his future is secure. Our second son, who's actually smarter than his brother, says he doesn't want to go to uni. This is kind of ok, but he has no idea what he wants to do and he's leaving school this year! He thinks he'll just carry on working in the retail job he's always had on a Saturday and he's ok to stay at home for the meantime.

He's a good boy but his lack of ambition drives us mad. Do you think we should make him enrol in a course? Surely any learning is better than just selling car parts all day?

ANSWER:

I quite like the sound of this boy-who-won't-be-hurried. You say he's smart so you can probably trust him. Going to university just for the sake of it could mean he'll accrue a big debt and end up in a job he doesn't enjoy. Finding one's passion sounds clichéd, but it's part of the secret to a happy life. Varsity may not be ruled out permanently but he needs to find what he wants to do first.

In the meantime, selling car parts all day will give him people skills, knowledge of stock management and displays, punctuality, sales experience and a chance to make some financial preparations for any future study he may decide to take. Your eldest boy may need these tools as well if he is to work as a physio one day so perhaps your second boy is gaining these skills first.

One of my sons returned home after a brief spell at University. He settled into our end bedroom with two dilapidated TVs to make a gaming station. I eventually managed to get the TVs back to the skip, extract some board money when he acquired a retail job and I gifted him a cooking night. Eventually the disadvantages of living at home outweighed the positives and he packed his bags and moved on into his future — still carrying that varsity debt though. If your son takes his time, he needn't be saddled like this. It's tough enough for our kids to get ahead even with a plan, so respect your son's wishes to think it through.

But whilst he is taking his time, he still has to be a valuable member of your household and that involves contributing to the chores, the finances etc. You can make life workable and peaceful but it's not a hotel. You don't want him in the end room for life.