Dear Mary-anne: Is 15 too young for a Christmas Day drink?

QUESTION: 

I have two children, the eldest has just turned 15 and his sister is eleven. We're spending Christmas with their slightly older cousins and my sister has asked in advance if I'm ok with my son having one beer or wine with the dinner. She said she'll get some sparkling grape juice for my daughter so she can "pretend" with her own wine glass. Is this really necessary?

They're just kids and orange juice or soft drinks are fine, surely?

ANSWER:

OK, this is a question of two parts.

At 11, your daughter is just a child but like her brother, she'll have one eye on her older cousins. Watching and copying is how she's going to learn and make sense of growing up.

I can't see a problem with your sister's suggestion. As children, we had champagne flutes on the table for special occasions and even though we were served juice in them, it was fun to pretend. It's about creating memories and acknowledging the festive occasion. Yes, you might argue that this glamorises alcohol (or the prospect of it) for your daughter and encourages her to associate it with special occasions, but enjoying a single glass of wine in a social situation is not the problem with alcohol, as we in New Zealand with our binge culture know all too well. My view is that you'd be teaching your daughter that alcohol is something to be enjoyed in moderation with food and friends. But you're her mum, if you'd rather she drank her juice or lemonade from an ordinary glass, just let your sister know before the day – and in the name of Christmas peace, perhaps thank her for giving you the option. 

It's different for your son because your sister is suggesting alcohol. Legally, he's not allowed alcohol unless he's with a parent – which he will be. There is a theory that learning to drink in a civilised family situation is best, and that presenting alcohol as a forbidden elixir will only make it more appealing. And it's true, there seems to be less of a culture of binge drinking in countries where quite young adolescents have wine with dinner.

But then, another school of thought says children's developing brains and bodies can't cope with any alcohol at all.

Only you can decide which of these theories two rings truer to you. Weigh up the options, maybe chat to your children about their feelings, make the call and stick with it. Again, let your sister know your decision in advance to avoid any awkwardness on the day. And if you decide your boy can have a drink, make absolutely sure it's just the one – a crook teen is not what you want for Christmas.