Dear Mary-anne. Does constant shouting equal abuse?

QUESTION: 

I spent lockdown with my mother in a small, rural town that was very quiet.

There was one house across an empty paddock where a family of three young boys and their parents lived. I never really saw the mother, but I heard her because she yelled and abused her husband and kids most days. She’d scream and swear and the kids would huddle in the paddock if she was having a go at her partner.

I know everyone can shout sometimes, but this was really bad. My mother is old and frail and she keeps her TV up loud. Even so, she said she often hears the fighting. I felt sorry for the children. Isn’t this some sort of abuse?

I’ve left my mother’s place now, but I’m torn between forgetting what I heard and reporting them to someone so the kids get help. Is shouting abuse?

ANSWER: 

This question highlights a grey area many perceive lies between an ordinary household dispute and domestic violence.

People often wonder if they should intervene. When does it become our business? And if I do say something, or report them, will they know it was me? You ask if shouting is abuse? Well yes, it is.

Domestic violence is not just when people beat each other, but it’s any behaviour that may be deemed threatening, intimidating or harassment of any kind. It’s rare that the first act of abuse is a violent one. The constant yelling and swearing you heard is how physical violence can begin; the name-calling, threats, possessiveness and isolation are the initial steps and often escalate to physical abuse.

Our children are so vulnerable and precious. Experts tell us that when they grow up in homes with high levels of conflict, they are more likely to experience physical, emotional and social problems later in life, compared to children in more stable environments. The children you saw huddling in the paddock will be living on constant guard for the trigger that sets the tirades off.

This woman’s outbursts at her partner and children won’t be because they’ve done something wrong and angered her, it’s about power and control. Even though you’ve left the area, it’s not too late to get help for this family because yes, that sort of shouting is abuse. We’re a nation that doesn’t "tell tales", but the children huddling in fear are not living in the safe environment they’re entitled to. We need to care more as a community and call out the trouble spots. The mother in that family needs help so think of it as enabling that help, rather than "reporting" her.

My advice from the experts I spoke to, was that you ring 105, the non-urgent police number. They will ask you questions so the right organisations become involved to help this family. It’s never too late and it’s not a case of out of sight, out of mind.