Dear Mary-anne. My husband's drinking, online gambling is making lockdown tough.
QUESTION:
My husband has always been a heavy drinker, but since this Covid-19 stuff has happened, he's drinking really heavily.
I've lost my job in a factory, as my health was already compromised. My daughter was in the process of beginning an apprenticeship and that's been shelved and we're supporting a five-year-old, so we can't afford to spend money on luxuries and certainly not on his alcohol.
I try to do the shopping, but I see today he's bought two dozen bottles of wine online. He plays something called Texas Hold'em every night with his friends, with a limited pool of money. He's not a bad person, just reliant on booze. All his friends have more money than us.
I've tried talking to him, so don't suggest that. He and his mates make so much noise, none of us can sleep.
ANSWER:
There are a few signals in your question that I feel are important. This is a time of high anxiety, frustration and boredom worldwide, and it is probable that in a person with an existing heavy drinking habit, that habit will now be used to cover anxiety and fill a social gap.
But you're all in this together – and coping with the same feelings. You have extra challenges, and your husband's behaviour is one of them. You say he is "not a bad person". Maybe he's not happy with the way he's behaving either, it's likely he would benefit from talking about his fears and anxieties, rather than just covering them.
Perhaps you could make a time to talk about these things. Have a few chats that aren't about drinking and include all of you and how you're feeling. There may be a family member or friend that he could talk to as well. Skype or Facetime calls are great ways to connect with others, for both of you. Then, think about your evenings: are you and your daughter able to have some nice meals with conversation that is friendly and open? This could lead to you both being able to talk to him about the noise he and his friends are creating in the house and the example he is setting for the five-year-old.
Don't be afraid to seek help. There are many links on the New Zealand Government's Covid-19 website if you feel you need support.
And you can also still call government agencies like the Alcohol, Drug Helpline: alcoholdrughelp.org.nz/helpline/
I also suggest you look at this website: cheers.org.nz. Perhaps your husband might look at it with you.
They've upgraded the site to deal with the lockdown and the slogan says: The new normal guidelines. They're the same as the old ones.
This website has a page: Know Your Standards, and this is where I think you might find your help or compromise for the short-term. It is designed so a person can self-monitor their alcohol intake.
You deserve to have a supportive, considerate partner and, if nothing changes through your efforts, it may be time to think about your future when this time is over.