Dear Mary-anne. My husband spends every spare moment gaming.

Question:

We’ve been married 32 years and my husband has only started gaming seriously in the last four years.

He’s got an obsessive personality and he’s taken to gaming as if his life depends on it.

He sits in my lounge room with his ear phones on and yells at the TV. Even in the next room, sitting at the dining table, I can hardly hear myself think.

Gaming has completely taken over his life. We never sit down and watch programmes together anymore,. He sometimes won’t stop gaming for dinner, but eats it cold, later or with his fingers.

We can’t afford another room or TV for him to game on and he can’t share with our son because he plays more updated games in his room. I’m lonely, we don’t have friends over and his gaming is messing with every aspect of our lives.

ANSWER: 

I’m answering your letter with some trepidation. It seems there’s no topic that gets people more fired up, than a discussion about gaming, even if it’s just a plea for moderation and compromise.

Gaming, for some people, is not an occasional fun activity, it’s a way of life and in many cases, an addiction.

Addiction can be substance or behaviour related and the very word is a red rag to gamers, as some believe all gamers are being targeted, but as with alcohol, everyone who drinks does not have an alcohol problem.

Getting angry and defensive, or acting in an emotionally detached way, ignoring you, your son, the running of the house, personal hygiene and responsibilities are all signs that a person has an addiction.

How you sort your problem will depend on your stomach for battle. The parameters of your skirmish range from leaving things as they are, to leaving the marriage. Only you can determine what you can live with, so step back from the emotion and look clearly at your situation.

You have to make a start so go out somewhere reasonably public and have a chat. (A public space can mean a level of control is shown that might not happen at home). It’s also important to keep this away from your gaming son as this isn’t about gaming per se, but more about restoring a balance in your relationship.

Get your facts straight about the hours he’s playing and the volume of noise you’re being subjected to. You don’t want to wreck his enjoyment of gaming, but you’re asking perhaps for some equability as regards use of the TV, the room and some shared time together.

Be open to suggestions from your husband about equability too. Perhaps the gaming has filled a void that was there, or he was unhappy about things that need airing. You have nothing to lose by dealing with this, but plenty to lose by ignoring it, including thirty-two years of marriage.