Dear Mary-anne. My brother is being bossed around by my mother - and his girlfriend.

Question:

My brother is 28 and completely dominated by our mother.

She tells him what to do and pries into his life. Of course, she doesn’t like his girlfriend. The trouble is, that this girlfriend who was nice to start with, is now acting like Mum and he’s letting himself be dominated by her too. She and my mother fight quite a bit and they’re rude to each other, swearing and stuff, and they can’t agree on where he should buy a house, or what dog he should get.

I can’t believe that after a lifetime of being bossed around by Mum, he’s going out with a totally bossy woman.

I don’t want to interfere, because it’ll be one more woman telling him what to do. But I can’t bear that my brother will live like this forever. How can I help him see what’s happening?

Answer:

Some people who’ve had overly controlling parents become so frustrated, it’s easier to stop listening, or sever ties altogether.

But others, and it sounds as if your brother is in this category, become dependent on the control and don’t believe they can make adult decisions – or live independently – without constant instruction. They eventually seek out a partner who will continue the pattern of controlling their lives.

Your brother’s development may have been thwarted by your mother not allowing him to think for himself, but you still need to remember he’s an adult at 28. His happiness is ultimately his own responsibility, but I love the way you care about him and want to encourage him to become the adult you know he can be.

Could you try and chat with him about what you’re seeing? Explain that you don’t want to be one more person ordering him around, but you can’t hear his voice or see his adult feet. If he recognises there’s a problem, you’ve got something to work with, and you can suggest some tools for him, ie books, counselling, etc. On a day-to-day basis, you could encourage him to talk in front of his girlfriend and your mother and if he’s interrupted or shouted down, just wait for that to pass and ask him, “what were you saying?”

But if he’s OK with the way things are, then you have to accept that. Love him unconditionally and always search for his voice and opinions in discussions. It may take years for him to realise what you’re seeing. Try to have times that it’s just the two of you so he can see the difference between being spoken at, and chatting with.

I don’t think this problem you’ve outlined is very uncommon. Your letter is a timely reminder to us all, to check our responses, that habits of believing we know everything can creep into our replies.