Dear Mary-anne: My wife isn't happy about my Dad's grandparenting style

QUESTION: 

My father is a retired farmer and he lives on his own on about 12 hectares.

He's always welding, building, up and down ladders and fixing cars and my sons, 7 and 5, hang out with him.

When I was growing up, my brothers and I were constantly battered and bruised from the mischief we got into and the same stuff is happening to my boys now. My wife's not happy about how they come back covered in bruises and small injuries. She also says his house is cold and dirty, she's seen mice and he never puts a jersey on the kids. My father's getting quite old, but he's a good bugger and the boys are always trying to fix things like him. He teaches them so much stuff and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

ANSWER: 

Your father sounds a real character and your boys are lucky to have an elderly person in their lives who loves them and is prepared to teach them things. There's a trade-off though, as he offers all that good stuff elderly people bring to the table, but your wife doesn't think his supervision is up to standard. The buck stops with you two, the parents, If something goes wrong and you need to agree on how much responsibility you want him to have.

Anyone who's using power tools or working on a building site knows the danger areas for children. They are playing happily in a pile of dirt one minute and, the next, they've climbed a ladder to leap into said pile – possibly brandishing something sharp – and you've got a potential accident unfolding. A few knocks and bruises are part of childhood, but no-one wants to see a seriously injured child. 

Why does your father have to mind the children alone? This seems to me where the solution to this problem might be. Does he have sole responsibility in this environment full of possible dangers? Why can't you or your wife let him enjoy his grandsons, but give him support when he's supervising the boys? That way you are responsible for their clothes and sunscreen etc. You could work with your Dad, clean up the inside of his place for him, set his mouse traps, cut firewood ….. just be there.

Let's be honest, in the normal scheme of life, grandparents age and die. Your gift to your sons is to value your father and let them have time with him. But your father shouldn't have to have always be the babysitter to have that special time. Don't let it be a case of, if he's not useful to you then there's no point dropping the boys there. Hang around, chat, get involved. How you treat your Dad now, is how your boys will treat you, one day.