Dear Mary-anne: How do I teach my sons to respect women?

QUESTION:

My sons are little – 9 and 6 – but I wonder: how do you teach teen boys about respecting women, and why it is important? 

Despite #metoo and other positive social movements, women/girls' value is still equated with their looks, and I already see that with my boys. If they want to needle me, they call me fat. These are good boys, being raised in a household with a strong mother and a father who is a feminist. 

This stuff is so pervasive, it just gets in. How do we counter it, and raise respectful men?

ANSWER:

 You've got two gorgeous boys, who are still very young at 9 and 6. They are fortunate enough to have parents who are both strong and feminist. (Feminism: the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes).

Your beliefs in equality and your views on many social issues will already be rubbing off onto your sons. You influence them more just by being strong and confident than any amount of discussion about #metoo or other social movements.

I beg to disagree that your children are needling you and calling you fat because they are objectifying women. I think they've just found the best way to annoy the hell out of you. However, as with any other disrespectful behaviour you must call them out on this. That's your job as a parent.

Rather than focus on the use of the word fat, you could explain that name calling is not acceptable in your house and that it's not acceptable in their lives. If you tolerate it at home, they'll do it outside to others. Explain that if you're mad at them, you don't call them names and they need to learn to address the argument not the person.

Young children scarcely see their parents as real people. You're merely their mother, the provider of food, treats and discipline. You decide their bedtime, their waketime. They can't manage, and don't want to manage, without you. They could call you by any name; wrinkly, ugly, grumpy, but they've recognised that calling you fat has particularly jarred.

Aside from not standing for this sort of talk – and making sure that your husband is fully supportive that name calling is not OK – you can also make another sort of stand.

The next time one of your boys tries to wind you up like this, show him the strong woman you really are and say, "I'm not fat, I'm beautiful."