Dear Mary-anne. How can I prepare my children to help look after a disabled baby?
QUESTION:
I come from a small family and I’ve only got one second cousin I’m close to.
We’ve grown up like sisters because of how few people there are in the family. I’ve got three children and she has recently had a baby too. Her baby isn’t well and hasn’t been since it was born.
She and her partner have spent ages with the baby in and out of hospital, but they’re finally bringing it back home to live.
As well as having some physical issues, it seems the baby will have some mental disabilities too. My children are excited to have “their baby” back in our town. However, I’m not sure how to prepare my children to take care of this baby.
Answer:
Your cousin and her partner will have been through so much over the last few months, yet coming home and getting on with “normal” life may be one of the toughest stages they’ve dealt with.
There’ll be such a vast array of emotions, ranging from relief to despair, and they’ll need your unconditional love and support more than ever. Welcome them home, cook meals, be there for them and most of all, love, hold and cuddle their baby. Your children can all be involved in lots of preparations, depending on their ages.
Children are naturally non-judgmental, highly intuitive little creatures who are geared to love. They pick up on cues and vibes, so be consistent with your love and support and be as honest as you can be, when they ask questions. If you don’t know the answers, then just say, “I don’t know yet”, but keep reiterating “your baby cousin is coming home, this is your family”.
As with any new parents, especially a first baby, they’ll be sleep-deprived and have moments of being stressed or snapping at someone. Often, first in the firing line is family! Don’t be offended if you’re not always appreciated, or a hurtful comment is made. Just let everything wash over while you help them adjust.
Your cousin will have a raft of emotions consuming her as she comes home and there will naturally be a sense of loss at what might have been. This is not the baby she’ll have envisaged and your three bouncing, healthy, normal children are part of the minefield she now has to negotiate. Neither of you can change any of this, but don’t keep your children away thinking you’re able to protect her. There’s pain in love.
There’s a poem called Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley, that’s also available on YouTube which you might find helpful. One poem can’t explain everything and won’t resonate in every situation, but this may help you as you prepare for your cousin’s home coming.