Dear Mary-anne: I know my teen is looking at violent porn.

Question:

A while ago my computer crashed and I borrowed my 15-year-old son's laptop. I found that he'd been looking at pornography, some of it violent and just disgusting. I don't know if this is what is considered normal now but I felt sick. I haven't said anything to him, but I'm worried that this rot is skewing his attitudes towards women. I've read that the long-term damage for porn-addiction can be serious. What should I do?

Answer:

I feel for you having to deal with this problem. You have the completely normal situation of your 15-year-old son showing an interest in sexuality, but his curiosity has taken him to a site that displays sexuality in an abnormal way.

It can be confronting discussing sexual matters with your child, especially if you haven't chatted about this stuff much before. But you make a valid point in your letter when you say that the violent scenes might skew his attitudes to women, so I think you are already preparing yourself to have a chat with him. It's also a good thing that you're thinking about what you should say before you launch in.

He probably won't be delighted to hear that you've discovered his secret and he may not be very keen to talk, but if you could just help him understand a few points, you would be doing him a great service.

One of these is that sex is normal, healthy and wonderful. You don't condone his curiosity, but the fact that the sites he's found are degrading to women.

Pornography isn't real, it's a business. Some of the violent scenes may have been distressing to his young mind so you could also take the opportunity to ask if there's anything he's seen that's worrying him.

And most importantly, if he could think about respect as the underpinning essence for all his dealings with people, (women in this instance) he will come to understand for himself what's ok and what isn't.

You did rightly mention that long-term damage for porn addiction can be serious. You're probably going to be more vigilant with his viewing material from now on, but if you think your son has an ongoing problem then I suggest you seek specialist advice. Your GP or a counsellor could recommend someone, otherwise you could go to www.sextherapy.co.nz