Dear Mary-anne: Is my son stealing from us?

QUESTION:

My partner always leaves his loose change lying around. He dumps coins from his clothes into a dish on the bench with his car keys, and often leaves money in his truck. Recently, my son bought himself expensive tickets to a concert and when I asked where he got the money from, he said he earned it – but my partner said his change is always disappearing and wonders if it paid for the tickets. My son does work hard, he runs several little businesses. When I questioned him again, he admitted tidying up loose change occasionally but insisted the tickets were bought from his own earnings.

ANSWER:

It's a shame your partner didn't speak up a while ago. Your son has been working and has bought something big for himself but your partner's late call now brings your son's credibility into question. It's harder dealing with this after the fact.

Many households have varying opinions on how relaxed they are about their children taking things that are lying around, ie, clothes, treats or money. In some families, loose change is seen as communal and no one keeps tabs on who owns the coins, while in other families there are clearer boundaries. It seems that your partner has been fairly casual about his change up to now and this might be a good time to decide how you feel and set some guidelines.

I think a blanket rule that says no one in the family should take anything that doesn't belong to them without asking first is a good safeguard. Your son would know that the coins lying in a dish beside your partner's car keys belong to your partner. Perhaps take a moment to have a private chat with him where you make it clear that this money is not for the taking. 

Some children are born with an innate sense of managing or acquiring money and your son sounds enterprising to say the least. There are life lessons in every aspect of handling money for young people and it sounds as if you're in the perfect situation to help him. If he's running his own business and is already quite successful, then chat to him about paying those who work for him, about saving and banking etc. Can he account for the money he's spent? You might be best to learn from this incident and move on this time. Perhaps enlist his help to come up with a scheme that collects the family change for the benefit of everyone, if that's the way you and your partner want to go.