Dear Mary-anne: How do I know if my teenage son is battling with loneliness?

QUESTION:

I wonder if you can tell me how a teenager can battle feelings of loneliness and not be misunderstood. I felt isolated and alone as a teenager and I see similar tendencies starting in my son. We were immigrants and my English was poor so I was reluctant to speak up. I think it became a habit but now I see my son keeping quiet and I'm not so sure. It's not the silence that bothers me, it's the aloneness.

ANSWER:

I can feel how much you care that your teenage son doesn't suffer the way you did. You say you felt isolated and alone and I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to have come to a new country, with all the cultural differences, the wrench to leave family behind and then to cope with a language barrier as well.

It seems that you believed all this time that the aloneness you felt as a child was due to your struggles with English but now, when you see it emerge in your son, you're not so sure? Do you feel that your quiet son is happy because I think this is the crux of the matter? You've used the words, loneliness and aloneness but these are two different things.

As parents and carers, we are often not comfortable with aloneness. It frightens us. Some parents obsessively fill their children's time, with activities, friends, lessons. Being quiet and not engaged with others all the time can be very good for children. It builds independence and if your child is content to be alone then you can relax.

Aloneness can leave room for creativity and contemplation. But loneliness is another matter. You must have concerns for your son that you haven't spelled out in your letter. Perhaps he can sense your anxiety and he's holding you away? Rather than let him slip further into a silent world, you could focus on keeping your communication open with him at all times. Let him know that you are to be trusted and he can talk about anything if he wants with you.

It's hard for many parents to know if their children are going through normal teenage angst or if their silence is because something is really bothering them. If he won't talk to you, is there another adult outside the family he could trust?

Finally, have you talked to your son about being an immigrant child? Perhaps he'd like to hear what it was like and how you closed off. It might open the door to a discussion about him.