Dear Mary-anne: My daughter can't stand her step-brother.
QUESTION:
I have recently married a really good man and after years of struggling I can finally see a future for my 12-year-old daughter and me. We've shifted towns and we've both started to make new friends and we're happy. However, our new house is near my husband's ex-wife and their son and this is where the problem lies. This boy, who is 14, wants to spend more and more time with us but my daughter can't stand him. She's asked me to promise I won't leave her alone with him. When I ask her why, she just says it's a 'feeling.' Is a feeling enough to go on? She's causing friction in our otherwise happy lives.
ANSWER:
I'm so pleased you've married someone you can be happy with and that you picture a future with this man. It must be disappointing to have a problem present itself now —but that, sure as hell, is life!
Your daughter won't want to be causing friction and of course, your first duty is to her. It's impressive that at 12 she can tell you about this 'feeling'. I do think it's enough to go on and somehow you have to respect her request. It would be easy to jump to the worst-case scenario over this, but it may be just that she is afraid of this boy, or that he orders her around. He obviously acts differently toward her when you or your husband are not around. That in itself should raise alarm bells.
As parents, we all defend our own children, and it could be that your husband will take umbrage on behalf of his son. You can talk this one out, but be prepared for some reaction. Be clear you're not accusing his son of anything, you're simply respecting your daughter's request. You could also assure your husband that there's room in your combined lives for both the children. It's great that he's seeing more of his son, and he's probably delighted that his boy wants to come and visit. To make the whole thing more positive, perhaps plan some outings as a group of four; see how they interact and help the two children get along with each other.
It can surely work out but I do think you have to make sure that, for now, the two kids are not left alone together, as your daughter has requested.
You are responsible for your daughter and she has asked for assurance and you should give it.