Dear Mary-anne: How can I stop fighting with my brothers and driving my parents insane?

QUESTION:

 Me and my brothers are always in constant conflict and it’s driving my parents insane. At the age we are, which is high school, we can become very violent and I know it breaks my mother up when we fight. Is there any way we can stop? Or anything we can do to try and get along better. It’s mainly conflicting personalities.

ANSWER:

 I think your letter is admirable. I’m sure you’re right that it breaks your mother up when you fight but she probably understands it’s just a stage. It used to break me up too but I saw a brotherly bond that survived the fights and surfaced when times were tough or one of the boys was sick. That gave me hope for their friendships later in life and I’m sure this will be the same for you boys as well.

It’s an interesting thing about siblings. It’s the relationship you’re likely to have for the longest period of your life and some people say the stability of your sibling relationships can be a determinant for your mental health, later in life.

You could talk to your brothers about how bad you feel for your mother and you’ll possibly find they want the conflict to ease too. Have a cooling-off word that you use as a code when tempers are hot. If you make it a funny word you might end up laughing instead of coming to blows. It can remain a private code that you keep just for in the family.

Perhaps you could also make a pact that you’ll not push, shove or hurt each other when you disagree. This is good practice for future interactions with other people anyway. It’s important to be able to disagree with people without lifting a hand. Ever. 

Sometimes you could try putting yourself in your brother’s shoes. A different age is often a different world and they may be dealing with stuff that you don’t know about yet, or you’ve forgotten.

There’s also that whole thing about brother’s being competitive. There’s nothing worse than a younger brother getting the march on you. Try not to let your siblings’ successes get to you. Be the bigger person and congratulate achievements and you might find you change the tone of the family dynamics.

You sound like a decent sort of guy. Any mother would appreciate her son taking the time to write such a letter. You might make her day if you point it out.