Dear Mary-anne: Our teen son is depressed since moving to New Zealand

QUESTION: 

It's always been our dream to move to New Zealand as a family and after six years of planning, payments, form filling and more payments, we've finally made it. My husband and I are happy and we have work, our two young daughters, 6 and 9 are settled, but our 14-year-old son is very unhappy. He is keeping away from school, he always feels sick, and he's developed a blinking tic. He knows he can't ever go back to his own county and he knows why we had to leave but he can't settle here. Do you have any suggestions?

ANSWER: 

Fourteen is a tough age at the best of times for children as they deal with puberty, new schools, all the fears and expectations of impending adulthood et cetera, without shifting to a new country. It's a hard age to emigrate.

Your son needs all the love and support you can give him. Acknowledge how difficult the move has been for him and let him talk about the things he misses from his old country.

You say you can't ever go back and it sounds as if you've done the right thing for your family's future, but the finality of your decision might be overwhelming for your son.

A friend group is integral to a 14-year-old's life, so helping him build a new group of friends is important. Can you structure a chunk of your spare time around trying to meet people with children of your son's age? Perhaps the school could advise you on groups or activities that fill this need.

If your son cannot keep in touch with his old friends via social media, due to internet laws, then you might need to think up something tangible he can do to keep busy and feel hopeful about his past.

Could he open a bank account and get a part-time job to begin saving; either to go back and visit one day, or do something positive for his old country? He's been powerless in the decision to move, so I'm wondering if there's a cause he can strive for?

The blinking tic is probably a reaction to the stress your son is under but I think he should see someone and talk about how he's feeling. Unfortunately, this eye tic will be even more isolating among his new peer group.

A trained counsellor will be able to see if your son is working through this time or becoming depressed. Do you have a family GP yet, because that's a good place to start? Your letter reminds me of how hard it can be to settle as new immigrants. Perhaps we all need to remember to reach out a bit more.