Dear Mary-anne: My angry step-son could ruin the family.
QUESTION:
My husband and I have been married for eight years. He has a son who is 16 and we have a boy together who's seven. My husband's son has lived with us for all that time. He was always a bit of a handful, angry and lazy but he's always been good to his little brother.
Now this 16-year-old is flexing his muscles with drinking, truancy and a whole heap of bad-mouthed, swearing, scary friends. He never pushes our son away, in fact I wish he would because I don't want my seven-year-old seeing all this.
My little boy is sweet and good and I honestly feel it would be a good idea to remove myself for a while and take our boy with me.
ANSWER:
You and your husband are married with two children. Whatever the original circumstances, you've made a commitment to be a family of four, and as you face the tough teenage years, you'd be better to stick around and face them as a tight unit.
Teenagers need love, security and boundaries. You've mothered this teenage boy for eight years and although you're not his birth mother, you'll be essential to his stability. Keep talking to him and give him space to hear you, and more importantly, to answer you.
His bad-mouthed swearing friends will matter to him, so feed them and talk to them as well, but don't be frightened of them. These friends are probably ordinary 16-year olds who are subject to rules and expectations in their own homes. They will respect you for demanding a certain standard of behaviour and once you get to know them, they'll be less intimidating.
I really rate the fact that the 16-year-old in your house cares for his little brother — that is priceless and perhaps your best point of leverage. You can appeal to his protective instincts and enlist his help in keeping his young brother safe and a bit protected.
As for your seven-year-old. I do understand how you want to protect him. It's a wonderful uncomplicated age and I used to hate little ones hearing and seeing teenage mayhem too.
But seven-year olds are not stupid. They know what bad language and behaviour is. He'll be watching and making decisions for himself, and you and your husband can help him more by talking about the stuff going on rather than removing him.
Splitting these boys or your family might tip your older boy over the edge. Trust that love, discussions, honesty and boundaries will prevail! Good luck.