Dear Mary-anne. Should I tell my friend I need more time before visiting her new baby?

QUESTION:

I am struggling with fertility issues, which has come as a real shock.

To make things even harder, my close friend has just had a baby. I am not sure how to handle the situation. She is a supportive friend, but is constantly asking when I will come and visit.

I just can't face it at the moment, which I know is selfish. I've already told her previously I need a bit of space to process what I'm going through. I have also explained to her that I don't want to discuss the fertility issues at the moment as I'm a very private person. But she doesn't seem to be listening (and of course is probably just keen to catch up). Should I suck it up and visit, hiding how hard it is for me and pretending I'm thrilled to be there, or should I tell her I need more time?

We have been friends for a while, so I feel like it's not the end of the world if I meet her baby later down the line (she has a huge network of family and friends). 

ANSWER:

I'm sorry to hear about your fertility issues, I hope you're getting support and advice and I appreciate your letter in light of you saying you're a very private person.

There are many ways of dealing with your close friend's requests to go and visit her. I acknowledge your struggle to do this, but it would be a shame to let your fertility problems define you, or cut you off from people you love.

Pregnancy, babies, baby paraphernalia, questions about babies, social media hype etc, it's in your face, it's in all of our faces. It must be so painful for someone in your situation, but keeping your distance won't change what is happening to you. If not this friend, then it will be another friend, or a family member, a new neighbour, a work colleague. Do you want to avoid them all? These infertility problems may take a while to resolve one way or another and in the meantime you could miss large chunks of life by avoiding people with babies and life-baby-situations.

You've told your friend what you're going through and that you don't want to discuss it. She is probably caught up in the excitement and emotional rollercoaster of being a new mother and not really hearing you. If you decide to visit, you don't need to pretend you're thrilled to be there. You could be honest. Tell her you're doubled up with envy and liable to cry with happiness for her and sadness for yourself. Does she still want to see you? I hope you can hug each other. Life is raw.

If you simply can't go and see her then perhaps send a gift and a card saying how pleased you are for her, that you value your friendship and you hope to be in a better space to meet her baby soon.