Dear Mary-anne: My friend keeps running down her younger daughter.

QUESTION:

My friend of many years has two daughters aged 28 and 26 and her elder daughter is her favourite. She describes her elder daughter as unselfish (more like her in personality) and she believes her younger daughter (selfish) has the personality of her ex-husband.

She does not miss an opportunity to run her younger daughter down. She will frequently say things about her like "What E wants, E gets". Last night she told us her younger daughter who lives in Europe is pregnant after a recent miscarriage, but that it was selfish of her to have the baby in February which would make travelling to see the baby difficult.

I don't know if she realises how obvious her bias towards her younger daughter is. I know she loves her, but there seems to be a weird good daughter/bad daughter dynamic, mixed up with her feelings about her ex and their difficult relationship.

I am fond of her younger daughter and find it hard to see her labelled like this which I don't think she deserves. Should I try to raise this topic with my friend?

ANSWER:

If you value this friendship then I think you should speak up. You say you've been friends for many years, so hopefully your long friendship can withstand a possible shaky period. The reason I think you could have a chat to your friend is that she risks losing her daughters through her negative chat.

Invariably those two sisters will be pushed together as they unite over their mother's unfairness. They are your friend's future, part of the very reason we have children in the first place, and now there's to be a grandchild in the mix. Your friend is naive if she thinks she is so indispensable that she can say anything she likes.

It's easy to fall into patterns of thought and behaviour and your friend has probably been saying this stuff for so long, it just rolls out without her even thinking. To suggest that the timing of the baby's birth, after a recent miscarriage, is selfish, shows how out of touch her comments are. 

It's good that you're thinking carefully about this before you speak. Too many times things are said in anger or frustration without planning and the ensuing discussion becomes a fight where hurtful things can't be unsaid.

You want your friend to know how much you value the friendship between you and that's why you're broaching this delicate subject. You're probably right that it's all mixed up with her feelings about her ex and their difficult relationship. But that's not really the point. If she doesn't want ex-daughters then she should give up running the younger one down.