Parental Guilt.
A recent survey soon to be released on parenting has produced some interesting results and I draw attention to two points in particular. The first is that three out of four parents feel they are not spending enough time with their children. Three parents in four? That’s a lot of parents doubting the job they’re doing, berating themselves in the middle of the night. That’s a lot of guilt.
It’s the norm these days for both parents to work, for pre-school children to be in care and many school children to be supervised by someone other than their parents, before and after school. The lives of parents (and their children) are busier than ever, more complicated and in many cases, more public. Social media is an illusory world but even for the savviest parents, it can be hard to ignore the comments, both shouty and subtle. Pictures and posts of other happy families holidaying, picnicking, snuggling up on the couch are fodder for parents who haven’t spare cash to holiday, let alone spare minutes to picnic. ‘Enough time’ isn’t quantifiable, so the three parents in four who are worrying, can’t ever be sure they’ve satisfied the elusive quota.
Parents are inclined to doubt their own decisions; there’s no formal training, there’s just advice — screeds of it. There’s a vulnerability to parenting, and feeling they’ve not spent enough time with their children is one of many concerns.
A second pertinent finding in the survey is that one in four parents feel pressure from their families to raise their children in a certain way. ‘Families’ must surely mean the parents, parents-in-law, grandparents and other notable experts: aunts, uncles, cousins etc of the parents under pressure. It seems that for every parent altering the rule book there’s a family member behind them suggesting they’ve gone awry. From a raised eyebrow through to outright criticism, clearly the pressure is there.
Why this pressure? We’re breaking so many senseless cycles these days, why can’t we stop this idea that it’s ok to criticise and interfere in the way parents choose to do their job? Don’t we ever learn?
No one likes to be questioned. I bristled at suggestions that were thinly veiled coercions when I had young children at home and even now, years after my children have grown, I still spike when someone asks me, you mean you stayed at home? The whole time? How did you keep your brain alive?
And what about guilt? Parents live in an age where opinions are rife, lives are on display and children are the most important creatures on the planet. They mustn’t be bored, unmusical, or unable to tumble at six. Parental input is measured and compared, leaving many parents agonising in secret, feeling guilty.
When I had four little boys at home, I went to a Positive Parenting Programme. We met in an old school building and I trudged in with my head down, believing I’d be named and shamed as the parent most needing to improve. I wanted to unlock the secrets to raising happy, polite, well-adjusted, intelligent kids. The facilitator, a wise old nun, had a remarkable and surprisingly simple piece of advice for us all: banish guilt. She told us that guilt is self-focused; it’s a negative feeling that ties a person in knots and doesn’t allow them to learn or grow. It was liberating to hear.
Guilt is a wasted emotion. I see parents everywhere putting their work faces on each day; dropping children at day care centres, even if the children protest or feel off-colour. I see these parents catching yet another flight, or spending an entire pregnancy feeling queasy behind a computer. Busy parents don’t want to be away or out working; it’s the way things are now. And guilt is leverage for children to manipulate their parents.
If parents could back themselves, trust in the job they’re doing and be present for the time they are with their children then the pressure from their families mightn’t seem so important.
And to the rest of us, the extended family members, who are doing the pressurising, let’s embrace these young parents and support them. Parenting is tough, it’s a constantly changing feast. Even if we don’t live in the village we can still help raise the children. Young parents need supporting. If you’re fortunate enough to be near parents of young families, rather than criticising, let’s get raising.